


I think we’re all gay (and Draco fucked up)

by donnarafiki



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ace character, F/F, Femslash, Group chat, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M, Texting, ace ronald weasley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2018-11-08 14:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11083248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donnarafiki/pseuds/donnarafiki
Summary: Hermione makes a group chat for homework purposes, but as it turns out just having teenage banter with eachother is a lot more fun





	1. Charms class

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if this is worth reading or not  
> i hope it is
> 
> DISCLAIMER: i do not own the rights of the poem used, or the quotes, or these characters. I am merely using them to hopefully create some fun non-profit fanfiction

_21:42_

_Hermione Granger made group chat “Charms class”_

_Pansy Parkinson was added_

_Draco Malfoy was added_

_Harry Potter was added_

_Neville Longbottom was added_

_Theodore Nott was added_

_Seamus Finnigan was added_

_Dean Thomas was added_

_Blaise Zabini was added_

_Ronald Weasley was added_

 

**Hermione Granger:** I thought it might be a good idea to share our notes here so we don’t fall behind on out N.E.W.T’s since Professor Flitwitch fell ill

**Ronald Weasley:** But why did you have to add the Slytherins?

**Neville Longbottom:** Because they’re charming

**Pansy Parkinson:** Because we’re charming

**Ronald Weasley:** **╭∩╮(Ο_Ο)╭∩╮**

**Theodore Nott:** Hpw dis you tho tat?

 

_21;59_

**_Blaise Zabini_ ** _changed the chat name to “Charming with class.”_

 

**Hermione Granger:** Ha ha ha

**Hermione Granger:** Very funny

**Blaise Zabini:** I know, I’m hilarious

**Draco Malfoy:** °·.¸.·°¯°·.¸.·°¯°·.¸.-> Fuck you <-.¸.·°¯°·.¸.·°¯°·.¸.·°

**Dean Thomas:** Jesus you’re so Extra™ Malfoy

**Draco Malfoy:** I do not know who this Jesus is you are talking about, but I can assure you I am more Extra™ than him

**Draco Malfoy:** Also Jesus is a stupid name, his dad must have really hated him

**Harry Potter:** Well he nailed him to a tree and left him there to die for our sins, so I guess you could say that

**Dean Thomas:** Wow people stop the presses, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter _agreed_ on something

**Seamus Finnigan:** You order the cake, I do the decorations? This rare occasion should be celebrated

**Pansy Parkinson:** What use is nailing someone to a tree? If you’re going with human sacrifice at least do it properly and pickle his balls

**Hermione Granger:** What. The. Actual. Fuck.

**Harry Potter:** I would love to pickle your balls @DracoMalfoy

**Ronald Weasley:** MY EYES! MY EYES!

**Seamus Finnigan:** OMG @HarryPotter TMI

**Draco Malfoy:** I find it very offensive that @HarryPotter wants to use me as human sacrifice and the only thing you people notice is the slight innuendo

**Blaise Zabini:** Slight innuendo my arse, @HarryPotter wants to hide your faggots

**Draco Malfoy:** What on earth is that supposed to mean?

**_Blaise Zabini_ ** _is typing…_

**Hermione Granger:** DON’T YOU DARE EXPLAIN THAT OR I WILL BE PICKLING _YOUR BALLS_ TONIGHT ZABINI

**Neville Longbottom:** @DracoMalfoy's balls ===>arse=what @HarryPotter wants, apparently? Harry should we talk about this? Did someone give you _the talk_ yet?

**Harry Potter:** SHUT UP NEVILLE YOU TYPED THAT MESSAGE

**Harry Potter:** HE STOLE MY PHONE

**Harry Potter:** I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MALFOY

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _is typing..._

**Ronald Weasley:** You keep telling yourself that mate

**Blaise Zabini:** And here I was thinking Longbottom was a sweet innocent cinnamon roll

**Dean Thomas:** Neville is a _sin_ nammon roll. That guy is pure filth. Great sex ed though

**Neville Longbottom:** Thank you

**Pansy Parkinson:** Anything better than Snape explaining your menstrual cycle. I still have nightmares

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _is typing..._

**Dean Thomas:** Is Malfoy shit at typing or…?

**Theodore Nott:** Ge id popafy cryin ib font of hid harty potret srine

**Blaise Zabini:** He’s sulking because @HarryPotter won’t have sex with him

**Dean Thomas:** Jesus @TheodoreNott are you trying to type with your feet?

**Draco Malfoy:** Is there tear gas in this room?

Because I can't stop crying

The gas crawls down my esophagus

And crushes my wounded heart.

“Merlin this hurts”

**Draco Malfoy:** _Who is this jesus person?_

**Ronald Weasley:** Ah @DracoMalfoy don’t cry, I saw a wonderful ferret at the pet store the other day, I’m sure she’d be willing to help ease your pain

**Draco Malfoy:** Wtf @RonaldWeasley I was being sarcastic

**Draco Malfoy:** Also I am gay

**Draco Malfoy:** And not into animals

**Hermione Granger:** That was a really good poem. I’m impressed

**Theodore Nott:** im in rhe gospitak wig bec @DracoMalfoy pooped acic potrion ovee me hanns

**_Theodore Nott_ ** _s_ _end an image to “Charming with class.”_

 

**Neville Longbottom:** Not cool @DracoMalfoy, not cool

**Draco Malfoy:** He had it coming, he insulted my hair

**Theodore Nott:** i sayd if loojed shinny

**Neville Longbottom:** Well it was looking a bit greasy today

**Ronald Weasley:** It reminded me of a blond snape

**Draco Malfoy:** _A plague on both your houses_

**Neville Longbottom:** We’re in the same house dumdum

**Draco Malfoy:** Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

**Pansy Parkinson:** Stop quoting Shakespeare, we already said you were Extra™ you don’t have to prove it

**Pansy Parkinson:** Also @RonaldWeasley and @NevilleLongbottom Draco just left the room so I would hide if I were you

**Ronald Weasley:** Fuck

**Neville Longbottom:** I was already going to visit @TheodoreNott anyway. If Malfoy beats me up at least I can stay the night

**Hermione Granger:** I feel like this chat is not serving its purpose

**Pansy Parkinson:** _You_ are not serving your purpose

**Pansy Parkinson:** Which is bringing me a goodnight kiss, it’s nearly curfew

**Hermione Granger:** And that is a problem _because…?_

**Hermione Granger:** Unless you still haven’t fixed your bed after last time

**Pansy Parkinson:** ...

**Pansy Parkinson:** Never mind

 

_22:56_

**_Harry Potter_ ** _changed the chat name to “Why are we always talking about sex these days.”_

_22:56_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “Hormonal teenagers.”_

_22:57_

**_Neville Longbottom_** _changed the chat name to_ _“Hormonal teenagers and one innocent cinnamon roll.”_

_22:58_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “Hormonal teenagers and two innocent cinnamon rolls.”_

_22:59_

**_Seamus Finnigan_ ** _changed the chat name to “BANG BANG MOTHERFUCKERS and the two ugly virgins.”_

_23:01_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “Away, you three inch fool.”_

 

**Harry Potter:** I don’t get it

 

_23:04_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “Hormonal teenagers, one innocent cinnamon roll and one queen of sass.”_

 

**Harry Potter:** But you’re a boy???

**Draco Malfoy:**...

 

_23:06_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “Hormonal teenagers, one brainless idiot and one queen of sass.”_

 

**Harry Potter:** It is at times like these that I really notice my lack of a proper childhood

**Harry Potter:** Thanks for the reminder @DracoMalfoy

**Draco Malfoy:** Shit

 

**_Harry Potter_ ** _left the group chat_

 

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _added_ **_Harry Potter_ ** _to the group chat_

 

**Harry Potter:** Leave me alone

 

**_Harry Potter_ ** _left the group chat_

 

_03:35_

**_Blaise Zabini_ ** _changed the chat name to “I think we’re all gay (and Draco fucked up).”_


	2. R.I.P. Harry. Also we’ve run out of pancakes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being Draco Malfoy is never easy, but some days are worse than others...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is still somewhat okay. The tone is a bit more serious here and there, but this is not a crack fic and we are talking about war veterans here. Can't be all rainbows and sunshine. (Though 70-80% of this story will be fun banter don't worry)

23:11

 _Private chat between_ **_Draco Malfoy_ ** _and_ **_Harry Potter_ **

**Draco Malfoy:** Look, I am sorry for what I said Potter. I really didn’t mean it like that.

_You are blocked_

_Message not received_

**Draco Malfoy:** Oh wow very mature Potter

_Message not received_

Though since you didn’t have a proper childhood it kind of makes sense

_Message not received_

Whatever you don’t receive this anyway

_Message not received_

 

_01:57_

**Draco Malfoy:** Fuck, this thing is eating away at me

_Message not received_

Did not see that coming, I though I was finally over this stupid childhood crush

_Message not received_

Fine I’ll sneak into your dorm to check on you

_Message not received_

You’ll probably look just as perfect asleep as you do awake, but that’s the only positive side to this

_Message not received_

Wanker

_Message not received_

I KNOW HE DOESN’T RECEIVE THEM STOP SAYING THAT STUPID MUGGLE SHIT DEVICE

_Message not received_

I will murder you in your sleep you fucking prick

_Message not received_

* * *

 

The November night was freezing cold, and Draco regretted not putting on a cloak more and more with each gust of icy wind. After the ministry had confiscated everything of value the Malfoy family owned, Draco was no longer in possession of his own broom. If he wanted to fly up to the Gryffindor dorms, which was his only real option since he didn’t know the password to the tower, he had to nick a school broom from the quidditch pitch first.

“Fucking Potter turning into an emotional fucking wreck just because his fucking childhood wasn’t fucking fantastic. Well have I got news for you, mister fucking perfect, neither was mine. Still I don’t act like a fucking toddler about it.”

Ten minutes, a lot more swearing and one _alohomora_ later Draco sped towards the tower. When he peered through the window he found Harry to be fast asleep, wedged in between a huge orange cat and what appeared to be a life size teddy bear.

“Fucking idiot.” He muttered under his breath.

Still, he stayed to watch until he was close to catching hypothermia. There was something serene and calming about watching Harry Potter, saviour of the wizarding world, cuddle up with a stuffed animal. Maybe Draco would finally be able to sleep that night.

* * *

 

_03:17_

_Private chat between_ **_Draco Malfoy_ ** _and_ **_Harry Potter_ **

**Draco Malfoy:** You really do look perfect when you’re sleeping

_Message not received_

Shit I am still so gay for you

_Message not received_

When did my life get so fucked up?

_Message not received_

* * *

 

_06:20_

_Group chat “I think we’re all gay (and Draco fucked up).”_

 

 **Draco Malfoy:** What a great way to start the day, remind me of all the stuff I did wrong before breakfast has even commenced

 **Seamus Finnigan:** I hereby forbid you to use vocabulary like “commenced” at such an unholy hour

Besides, you deserved it after yesterday

 **Draco Malfoy:** The pain of not knowing what to do is exceeded only by that of knowing what I had done.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** You know you could just say you’re sorry

Oh wait

 

 **_Seamus Finnigan_ ** _added_ **_Harry Potter_ ** _to the group chat_

 

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Take it away big boy

 **Draco Malfoy:** I want your dick in my arse @HarryPotter

 **Seamus Finnigan:** **(☉_☉)**

 **Theodore Nott:** Well well well, what an odd thing to say as an apology

 **Neville Longbottom:** Very queer indeed

 **Blaise Zabini:** Did you just summon Draco’s phone to the hospital wing?

 **Theodore Nott:** I have done no such thing

 **Neville Longbottom:** How dare you make such foul accusations Mr Zabini

 **Theodore Nott:** You will be hearing from our attorney in due time Mr Zabini

 **Neville Longbottom:** Our?

 **Blaise Zabini:** We have the same attorney you idiot

 **Neville Longbottom:** Oh, on that bicycle

 **Hermione Granger:** Doesn’t @DracoMalfoy’s phone have fingerprint recognition?

 **Theodore Nott:** Ah @NevilleLongbottom you’re using my dutch heritage! ❤❤❤❤❤

 **Hermione Granger:** Please tell me you didn’t kidnap him

 **Neville Longbottom:** Don’t worry, his phone was still unlocked when we got it

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Wait @TheodoreNott you’re dutch?

 **Theodore Nott:** Half, my mom originally came from there

 

_06:36_

**_Dean Thomas_ ** _changed the chat name to “IF ANYONE SENDS ONE MORE MESSAGE BEFORE SEVEN O'CLOCK I WILL MURDER THEM.”_

 

_06:37_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “I am a fairy princess.”_

 

_06:37_

**_Seamus Finnigan_ ** _changed the chat name to “Dean looks pretty when he’s angry.”_

 

_06:38_

**_Dean Thomas_ ** _changed the chat name to “Fuck you I always look pretty.”_

 

_06:39_

**_Ronald Weasley_** _changed the chat name to “GUYS THERE ARE PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST.”_

 

_06:41_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “I would rather eat Potter for breakfast.”_

 

 **Hermione Granger:** Cut it out guys. This isn’t even funny.

 **Pansy Parkinson:** Why are you awake already? Didn’t I tire you out enough yesterday?

 **Hermione Granger:** You are literally lying next to me, why are you texting?

 **Pansy Parkinson:** Why are  _you_ texting?

 **Hermione Granger:** Fair point

 

_06:43_

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _changed the chat name to “Rimming is love, rimming is life.”_

 

 **_Hermione Granger_ ** _is typing..._

 

 **Harry Potter:** I didn’t fucking die for this

 **Draco Malfoy:** Remember kids, if you don’t sin, Harry died for nothing

 **Theodore Nott:** Good one @DracoMalfoy

 **Draco Malfoy:** Well thank you @TheodoreNott, you are not an ungifted person yourself

 

 **_Harry Potter_ ** _left the group chat_

 

_06:45_

**_Ronald Weasley_ ** _changed the chat name to “R.I.P. Harry. Also we’ve run out of pancakes.”_

**_Draco Malfoy_** _send_ _an image to “Rimming is love, rimming is life.”_

 

 **Draco Malfoy:** In other news I got my phone back, did I miss anything?

 

 **_Hermione Granger_ ** _is typing..._

 

 **Blaise Zabini:** @HermioneGranger is writing a book

 **Hermione Granger:** Though some of you probably don’t want to hear it, we all have a lot in common. None of us had a normal childhood and I know for a fact we all suffer from insomnia issues. Yes we are from different houses, and yes we fought before, but that was trivial. Childish. After living through the war we aren’t children anymore, some of us never really were(@HarryPotter @TheodoreNott @DracoMalfoy). From our houses we were the only ones to come back for eighth year, because we survived, because this year holds a promise, a chance we can grab with both hands. A chance we _want_ to grab with both hands. Our future would be so much brighter if we worked together and accept that the other might not be perfect, but neither are we, and you can never know if you had done things better, had you been in their position. We’re all human, we’re all just teenagers trying to figure out how the fuck a normal life is supposed to work. I say we try to figure that out together, if not for ourselves, then as an example for the outside world. Isolation is what got us here in the first place, let’s fight that instead of each other.

 **Theodore Nott:** AMEN

 **Seamus Finnigan:** PREACH

 **Ronald Weasley:** How are you guys already finished reading? I’m not even halfway through???

 

 **_Blaise Zabini_ ** _added_ **_Harry Potter_ ** _to the group chat_

 

 **Blaise Zabini:** I could not have said it any better myself

 **Pansy Parkinson:** This is why I love you Granger, don’t you forget it

 **Dean Thomas:** Amen to that

 **Neville Longbottom:** Theo is crying

 **Blaise Zabini:** @NevilleLongbottom nice, @DracoMalfoy too I think. He won’t show his face though

 **Harry Potter:** Did I miss something?

 **Neville Longbottom:** You missed Hermione’s absolutely brilliant speech

 **Hermione Granger:** Thanks @NevilleLongbottom

 **Ronald Weasley:** That was intense.

 **Draco Malfoy:** Hold on a moment @HarryPotter, I’ll send it again in private

And I am not crying @BlaiseZabini

 **Blaise Zabini:** Of course not, just sweating through your eyeballs

 **Draco Malfoy:** Fuck off

 **Blaise Zabini:** Love you too honey

* * *

 

_06:58_

_Private chat between_ **_Draco Malfoy_ ** _and_ **_Harry Potter_ **

 

_You are unblocked_

 

 **Draco Malfoy:** **_Hermione Granger:_ ** Though some of you probably don’t want to hear it, we all have a lot in common. None of us had a normal childhood and I know for a fact we all suffer from insomnia issues. Yes we are from different houses, and yes we fought before, but that was trivial. Childish. After living through the war we aren’t children anymore, some of us never really were(@HarryPotter @TheodoreNott @DracoMalfoy). From our houses we were the only ones to come back for eighth year, because we survived, because this year holds a promise, a chance we can grab with both hands. A chance we _want_ to grab with both hands. Our future would be so much brighter if we worked together and accept that the other might not be perfect, but neither are we, and you can never know if you had done things better, had you been in their position. We’re all human, we’re all just teenagers trying to figure out how the fuck a normal life is supposed to work. I say we try to figure that out together, if not for ourselves, then as an example for the outside world. Isolation is what got us here in the first place, let’s fight that instead of each other.

 

_All previous messages sending…_

_All previous messages received_

 

 **Draco Malfoy:** Well fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Too serious? Not serious enough? Tips? Tops? Tickles? Skittles?  
> Also I noticed I wrote down "Ron" Instead of "Ronald" a couple times in the last chapter, if you see mistakes like that please do call me out on them, I don't mind I swear  
> Next update won't be as fast as this one, exams are in 3 weeks and I am quite far behind on, well on nearly everything really, so I am not making any promises (+/- one week should be doable though)(I hope)  
> I know btw that Theo and The Neatherlands have nothing in common, but as a bilingual I struggle with my two languages sometimes, as im sure some of you do to, and I am dutch so there was no other option really. (and I wanted to vent about the struggle here sometimes)  
> And yes my author notes are always quite long, sorry for that


	3. Days of our Lives; Hogwart’s edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Harry is constantly swaying between giving zero fuck and giving too many fucks  
> (though a concept as "Too many fuck from Harry Potter" of course does not exists in Draco Malfoy's world)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that took ages

_07:01_

_Group chat “Rimming is love, rimming is life.”_

 

 **Dean Thomas:** Neville we could really use you in the Gryffindor dorm right now

 **Neville Longbottom:** Where do you need me for?

 **Dean Thomas:** I think Harry’s in shock, he hasn’t moved for a solid 5 minutes now. He’s just staring at his phone with a blank face.

 **Seamus Finnigan:** It’s really creepy

 **Neville Longbottom:** On my way, give me 2 minutes

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Maybe Draco accidentally send Harry a dick pic

 **Ronald Weasley:** “Accidentally”

Btw I’m on my way to the dorm, I’m bringing food

Okay I'm not bringing food.

 **Blaise Zabini:** Did you eat it?

 **Ronald Weasley:** Maybe….

 **Blaise Zabini:** fatass

 **Ronald Weasley:** Oi! Just a bit chubby

 **Blaise Zabini:** It wasn't an insult

I like a soft tummy

 **Theodore Nott:** Take it outside guys

It's too early for flirting

 **Ronald Weasley:** Wait that was flirting?

 **Blaise Zabini:** *le sigh* you are so oblivious sometimes

Which is kinda hot

 **Ronald Weasley:** Oh now I see it

 **Dean Thomas:** Haha @RonaldWeasley just went beetroot

Poor kid doesn’t know how to handle your Italian affection I’m afraid @BlaiseZabini

 **Blaise Zabini:** No one knows how to handle my affection

It’s too amazing

 **Seamus Finnigan:** Oeh scarface just came back to life again

I feel like I’m living in a bad american soap I love it

 

 **_Seamus Finnigan_ ** _changed the chat name to “Days of our Lives; Hogwart’s edition.”_

* * *

 

_07:12_

_Private chat between_ **_Draco Malfoy_ ** _and_ **_Harry Potter_ **

 

 **Harry Potter:** Should Harry be worried about getting murdered next time he goes to bed?

Speaking as Neville here

 **Draco Malfoy:** No I was talking about my phone

 **Harry Potter:** Okay then I’ll let you talk to him

Please don’t freak him out again

 **Draco Malfoy:** I won’t I promise

 **Harry Potter:** Here he comes

Uhm.... thanks? I think "You really do look perfect when you’re sleeping" is quite a refreshing compliment compared to the usual smile/eyes/soul stuff

Though a bit surprising coming from you

 **Draco Malfoy:** People tell you you have a nice soul?

 **Harry Potter:** They do. It is weird

 **Draco Malfoy:** Not as weird as watching someone you used to hate sleep

 **Harry Potter:** Don't worry about that too much, I've done weirder things when I couldn't sleep

 **Draco Malfoy:** Like what?

 **Harry Potter:** Banging my head against the wall until I knocked myself unconscious

 **Draco Malfoy:** That's unhealthy

 **Harry Potter:** Just like watching someone sleep is creepy

 **Draco Malfoy:** I am truly sorry about that Potter

I consider myself to be good with words but I can't find anything to say that excuses for this

 **Harry Potter:** I think you're better at badges than words

But really you didn’t actually say anything offensive so there’s no need to apologise

Though I feel like I should get payback by watching you sleep (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Draco Malfoy:** Like I’d ever sleep with you staring at me

 **Harry Potter:** I feel like this is the moment where I should make another randy remark but tbh it’s way too early for any of this

 **Draco Malfoy:** Agreed

Why are you so chill about this?

Sorry that was nosey don’t answer it

 **Harry Potter:** No I don't mind

I’m just so done with making a fuss about things, which must sound weird coming from someone who blocked you for making a joke yesterday

I don't know

It's just... our social circles overlap quite a bit and I don’t have enough energy to deal with the awkwardness of this situation if I wouldn't let it slide

Does that make sense?

 **Draco Malfoy:** I’m the guy who thought watching you sleep in the dead of night was a good idea, I’m not really the right person to ask

 **Harry Potter:** Haha you could say that

 **Draco Malfoy:** Slightly awkward acquaintances?

 **Harry Potter:** Nah

Friends

Sort of anyway

You coming to breakfast?

Malfoy?

 **Draco Malfoy:** Sorry I was a bit distracted

Yes I’m coming down for breakfast

Or up actually

 **Harry Potter:** Lol

Care to extend that hand again?

 **Draco Malfoy:**?

 **Harry Potter:** 1 of september

1991....

 **Draco Malfoy:** Oh

Of course

Thank you Potter

 **Harry Potter:** You're welcome Malfoy

I want to suck your dick

 **Draco Malfoy:**...

 **Harry Potter:** That was Seamus

 **Draco Malfoy:** Of course

 **Harry Potter:** No I'm serious that was Seamus

 **Draco Malfoy:** I know. I said of course now didn’t I?

 **Harry Potter:** Let’s just get some breakfast. I don’t know what happened to Ron but he looks like he needs something stronger than coffee

 **Draco Malfoy:** Irish coffee?

 **Harry Potter:** Irish coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so not very funny this one  
> I have no idea what the next thing will be (funny or serious) bc this really is a spontanious inspiration thingy  
> hope you liked it anyway


	4. He got off, he got off, he got off

 

_ 07:50 _

_ Group chat “Days of our Lives; Hogwart’s edition.” _

 

**Blaise Zabini:** Are you having breakfast again @RonaldWeasley?

**Ronald Weasley:** It’s not breakfast if it’s just fruit

**Blaise Zabini:** If you say so

**Dean Thomas:** Hey leave some waffles for me will you @SeamusFinnigan

**Seamus Finnigan:** You are literally sitting next to me this is so pointless

**Theodore Nott:** I think Mr.Thomas is just very glad to be able to finally spent time on his phone again since there are no psycho killers around anymore to forbid muggle devices 

**Pansy Parkinson:** I wouldn’t be too sure of that, @HermioneGranger can be quite aggressive while on her period and the first day is always the worst

**Seamus Finnigan:** TMI @PansyParkinson

**Pansy Parkinson:** Say that perfectly normal occurrences in the live of a woman that cause them an awful lot of pain are “too much information” again and I will send a period cramp curse flying at your head @SeamusFinnigan. 

See how you like it when you’re in pain for days on end each month. 

**Hermione Granger:** You do realise that all this period stuff and owning a uterus is the very reason you’re alive at all @SeamusFinnigan? 

**Pansy Parkinson:** Ungrateful piece of shit

**Seamus Finnigan:** I have the feeling @HermioneGranger and @PansyParkinson are in sync

**Draco Malfoy:** I have the feeling you ought to shut up right now or there will be trouble, if not from @PansyParkinson or @HermioneGranger then from me

**Dean Thomas:** As long as you stay away from his private parts I’m all in on the curses. He just ate the last waffle

**Neville Longbottom:** I did not know period cramp curses where a thing but given the faces @SeamusFinnigan is pulling now I am now extra glad to have male parts 

**Ronald Weasley:** Is it really that painful or are the moans and the face exaggerating? 

**Pansy Parkinson:** It is not exaggerating trust me

**Ronald Weasley:** In that case I’m siding with @NevilleLongbottom here. Being a girl seems terrible

**Blaise Zabini:** Always so elegant in your wording @RonaldWeasley

**Ronald Weasley:** I know I’m amazing

**Harry Potter:** Don’t mind @Ronald Weasley, he had a bit too much coffee this morning

**Ronald Weasley:** There is no such thing as “too much coffee”

**Draco Malfoy:** @HarryPotter do you mean to say your ginger friend got drunk before classes even started?

**Theodore Nott:** What do you mean with drunk? Drunk on caffeine?

**Draco Malfoy:** You didn’t drink it yourself?

**Theodore Nott:** No I stick to tea like a proper english man 

**Draco Malfoy:** Tea originally comes from India, if anyone here should stick to tea it’s @HarryPotter

**Harry Potter:** Oi! My dad was half Pakistani, not Indian

**Draco Malfoy:** Well there’s a big tea tradition in Pakistan too so it still fits

**Ronald Weasley:** Guys why did @DracoMalfoy say I got drunk? I’m not drunk???

**Harry Potter:** You kind of are. You’ve been drinking Irish coffee

**Pansy Parkinson:** Haha Mcgonagall is going to murder you

**Ronald Weasley:** DID YOU JUST TELL ME I’VE BEEN DRINKING ALCOHOL JUST BEFORE MCGOOKS TRANSFIGURATION LESSON???

**Draco Malfoy:** Calm down @RonaldWeasley, no need to yell in the early morning

**Ronald Weasley:** I DO NEED TO YELL IN THE MORNING I AM HIGH ON CAFFEINE AND DRUNK ON ALCOHOL WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO??!????)??

**Blaise Zabini:** You could come over to my dorm, I have some potions that could help

**Draco Malfoy:** @BlaiseZabini you are totally ruining this precious moment

Buzzkill

**Blaise Zabini:** As far as I know I’m only being polite to person I’d like to get to know better, which I’ve found to be much more efficient than stalking

**Neville Longbottom:** @BlaiseZabini did you stalk @RonaldWeasley first then?

**Blaise Zabini:** No but @DracoMalfoy and @HarryPotter have stalked each other for ages yet they are barely on speaking terms while I’m heading towards an empty dormitory with three free king size beds accompanied by a half drunk and very handsome redhead

**Hermione Granger:** If you take advantage of him I will pickle your balls with poison and shove them down your mother’s throat

**Blaise Zabini:** I would rather die than do such a thing don’t worry @HermioneGranger

**Harry Potter:** I never stalked @DracoMalfoy, he was the one stalking me

**Draco Malfoy:** I never stalked @HarryPotter, he was the one stalking me

**Hermione Granger:** Oh come on guys just get a room already

**Dean Thomas:** Please stop denying it and get a room you two

**Pansy Parkinson:** Cut it out and smash already it’s not that hard

**Neville Longbottom:** Well if it’s not that hard smashing might be a bit difficult

But there are pills for that

**Ronald Weasley:** CUT IT OUT GUYS IM NOT DRUNK ENOUGH FOR THIS

**Draco Malfoy:** Clearly you people are too drunk for this. I never stalked @HarryPotter

**Harry Potter:** Then what about last night @DracoMalfoy?

I realise now that that came out incredibly wrong 

**Draco Malfoy:** No shit Sherlock

**Neville Longbottom:** Oeh, what about last night @DracoMalfoy????????

**Draco Malfoy:** I am refraining myself from strangling the lot of you by heading towards transfiguration early and if @HarryPotter wants to join me I wouldn’t object

**Harry Potter:** You know you could just ask if I want to walk with you instead of sending this cryptic fancy stuff

But fine I’m coming

**Neville Longbottom:** Oeh someone’s got an exhibitionism kink

**Theodore Nott:** Getting off in the great hall already? Someone’s got it bad for a certain blonde….

**Harry Potter:** Yeah I get off on the sight of @DracoMalfoy leaving a room. Truly proves that I love him, now happy?

**Neville Longbottom:** Yes, very. Can we go ahead and plan the wedding now?

**Ronald Weasley:** I am drunk for 2 minutes and suddenly my best mate is engaged with a ferret wtf

 

**_Ronald Weasley_ ** _ changed the chat name to “He got off, he got off, he got off” _

 

**Harry Potter:** I get the feeling that “I didn’t fucking die for this” is becoming my new catchphrase

But seriously guys

_ I didn’t fucking die for this _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha lol I had period cramp and needed to vent.   
> anyhow I hope you liked my weird ass-ramblings


	5. No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this bit takes place about 2 weeks after the last chapter (sorry but I'm not going to do every day, I do have a non fandom life) so Harry and Draco are not awkward around each other anymore or anything...

_12:28_

_Group chat “He got off, he got off, he got off”_

 

**Theodore Nott:** Ulgh I have _you can’t hurry love_ in my head but I only know two lines it’s so frustrating

**Pansy Parkinson:** I know the feeling. Yesterday I had _Driving home for christmas_ in my head, it was awful. I don’t even celebrate christmas, I’m muslim.

**Neville Longbottom:** you can't hurry love

No you just have to wait

She said love don't come easy

It's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love

No, you just have to wait

You gotta trust, give it time

No matter how long it takes

But how many heartaches must I stand

Before I find a love to let me live again

Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on

When I feel my strength, yeah, it's almost gone

**Theodore Nott:** Ah thanks love<3

**Neville Longbottom:** Sorry I don’t remember the rest of the lyrics

**Draco Malfoy:** As long as you don’t start singing it during lunch. I’m quite attached to my appetite

**Harry Potter:** Oi! he’s not that bad at singing!

**Draco Malfoy:** Never said he was, but I am of the opinion that you can only play some soft piano music during dinner like occasions

**Harry Potter:** Okay

**Ronald Weasley:** They have pancakes for lunch again!

**Blaise Zabini:** Hmmmm… I wonder how that happened

**Seamus Finnigan:** Yes because @BaliseZabini and I surely didn’t bribe the house elves to do that

**Blaise Zabini:** Hey! Leave yourself out of it, you were just tagging along because you missed breakfast

**Ronald Weasley:** I don’t care how it happened I’m just happy they’re there

**Blaise Zabini:** *sigh*... There goes my amazing flirt move…

**Ronald Weasley:** Yep, there it goes.. Straight into my heart (or actually my stomach, those are pretty interchangeable)

**Neville Longbottom:** Ah how cute @RonaldWeasley, you’re warming up to him!

**Pansy Parkinson:** Like @RonaldWeasley would ever take the effort to type the word interchangeable

I bet you stole his phone @NevilleLongbottom

**Theodore Nott:** Nope, I did. But it was my bf’s idea<3

**Draco Malfoy:** Ulgh you guys are so sappy

**Harry Potter:** At least they have emotions, can’t say the same for you

**Dean Thomas:** Nice burn @HarryPotter

**Draco Malfoy:** Bullshit. It was mediocre at best

**Harry Potter:** Well sorry that you thought my joke was lame, but I was busy doing other things

**Neville Longbottom:** Like riding @DracoMalfoy’s dick?

**Ronald Weasley:** MERLIN GUYS CUT IT OUT I’M EATING

GROSS

**Draco Malfoy:** If he were to be riding my dick (which he wouldn’t be, I’m clearly a bottom but okay) I don’t think he’d be able to text while doing it

**Pansy Parkinson:** I sense a dare coming up here….

 

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _is typing…._

 

**_Seamus Finnigan_ ** _changed the chat name to “No sex talk during breakfast lunch or dinner please.”_

 

**_Ronald Weasley_ ** _changed the chat name to “But what about second breakfast?”_

 

**_Seamus Finnigan_ ** _changed the chat name to “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea,  dinner or supper please.”_

 

**Draco Malfoy:** @HarryPotter WHEN I SAID PIANO MUSIC DURING DINNER LIKE OCCASIONS I DID NOT MEAN A PIANO VERSION OF YOU CAN’T HURRY LOVE YOU DICK

**Hermione Granger:** You have quite a nice singing voice @HarryPotter

**Draco Malfoy:** @HarryPotter Please stop serenading me

**Ronald Weasley:** I did not know you owned a keyboard @BlaiseZabini

**Neville longbottom:** And now let’s all join Harry for the last chorus! I want to see if @DracoMalfoy’s head can explode…

**Draco Malfoy:** Please kill me

**Seamus Finnigan:** He borrowed it from me, if there’s a Malfoy to humiliate the houses will always unite

**Draco Malfoy:** I hate my life

**Theodore Nott:** Hey @HarryPotter where did you get those speakers and the microphone? We could use them for karaoke night

**Ronald Weasley:** I think Mcgook couldn’t appreciate the singing as much as we did...

**Draco Malfoy:** Serves him right if he gets detention if you asked me

**Ronald Weasley:** Yeah but no one asked you so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**_Draco Malfoy_ ** _left the group chat_

 

* * *

 16:52

_Private chat between_ **_Draco Malfoy_ ** _and_ **_Harry Potter_ **

 

**Harry Potter:** Sorry for the serenade, but I just couldn’t pass up on the opportunity

**Draco Malfoy:** You are a terrible singer

**Harry Potter:** I know

Are you mad?

**Draco Malfoy:** Not with you

**Harry Potter:** With who then?

**Draco Malfoy:** It’s whom not who

**Harry Potter:** Oh shush I haven’t had english class since I was ten

**Draco Malfoy:** Really? That explains a lot

**Harry Potter:** Wait when did you get english classes then? They don’t teach that here

**Draco Malfoy:** That’s where you have tutors and a summer break for

**Harry Potter:** Isn’t summer meant for relaxing and having fun?

**Draco Malfoy:** Not when you’re a Malfoy

**Harry Potter:** That’s kinda sad

**Draco Malfoy:** You’re kinda sad

**Harry Potter:** I know, but you still haven’t answered my question

**Draco Malfoy:** You didn’t look sad during your ridiculous serenade

**Harry Potter:** No I meant sad in general, but you STILL HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY QUESTION

**Draco Malfoy:** Calm down, no need to yell

**Harry Potter:** Yes need to yell. Why are you mad?

**Draco Malfoy:** I’m not anymore, it doesn’t matter

**Harry Potter:** Can I add you to the group chat again then?

**Draco Malfoy:** That would be appreciated

**Harry Potter:** Your wish is my command

**Draco Malfoy:** I wish I could get a decent night's sleep

**Harry Potter:** I’m a hero, not a genie

**Draco Malfoy:** Pity

**Harry Potter:** I can read though

Out loud

**Draco Malfoy:** Did Blaise put you up to this? I told him it’s no big deal

**Harry Potter:** Well I disagree. The Dursleys never read to me either and I hated that

**Draco Malfoy:** Blaise here, just come round tonight. He wants to, he’s just too much of a chicken to admit it

I am not! Shove off from my phone Blaise

Sure thing honey

(¬_¬)

* * *

 

_19:27_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea,  dinner or supper please.”_

 

**_Harry Potter_** _added_ ** _Draco Malfoy_** _to the group chat_

 

**_Harry Potter_** _removed_ ** _Neville Longbottom_** _from the group chat_

 

**_Harry Potter_ ** _removed_ **_Theodore Nott_ ** _from the group chat_

 

**Harry Potter:** Now we can eat in peace for once.

**Dean Thomas:** Good thinking

**Seamus Finnigan:** Bad execution though, because now that those two can’t filth up this chat they’ll be all over each other

**Harry Potter:** Not my problem, I sit with my back towards them when I sit next to @DracoMalfoy

**Hermione Granger:** Which is the only reason you sit next to him

**Pansy Parkinson:** Not at all because you two are in love

**Draco Malfoy:** Pansy!

**Harry Potter:** Parkinson!

**Pansy Parkinson:** That is my name yes

**Harry Potter:** You know what I’m just not going to check my phone anymore

**Draco Malfoy:** Good call

**Pansy Parkinson:** Only because you want to spent dinner staring into each other’s eyes

**Seamus Finnigan:** WoW @DracoMalfoy was that a pun •ิ.•

**Ronald Weasley:** It was

**Blaise Zabini:** No take backs, you’ve officially punned @DracoMalfoy

**Hermione Granger:** Can’t we just eat for once?

**Pansy Parkinson:** But they don’t serve my favorite dish here(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**_Ronald Weasley_** _removed_ ** _Pansy Parkinson_** _from the group chat_

 

**Blaise Zabini:** Thanks

**Ronald Weasley:** You’re welcome

Do you have a view on Neville and Theo from there?

It’s not that I mind the snogging, but feeding each other? Really?

Come one how old are they? Five?

**Blaise Zabini:** Haha no view from here you can join me if you want to

**Ron Weasley:** Coming

* * *

 

_22:28_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea,  dinner or supper please.”_

 

**_Harry Potter_** _added_ ** _Neville Longbottom_** _to the group chat_

 

**_Harry Potter_** _added_ ** _Theodore Nott_** _to the group chat_

 

**_Harry Potter_** _added_ ** _Pansy Parkinson_** _to the group chat_

 

**Hermione Granger:** Okay guys I have removed the “@” function but if you start calling each other names again I will put it back in place. Please try to be a little mature

**Pansy Parkinson:** I’m not making any promises

**Hermione Granger:** You’re terrible Pansy

**Pansy Parkinson:** But you love me all the same

**Hermione Granger:** I do. God knows why

**Draco Malfoy:** Harry are you coming?

**Seamus Finnigan:** Judging by his face when he came out of the shower he already did

**Draco Malfoy:** Shut up Finnigan

**Neville Longbottom:** Where do you need Harry for?

**Blaise Zabini:** Not for sucking his dick he can do that himself

**Ronald Weasley:** Tmi guys

**Neville Longbottom:** Can you really suck your own dick Malfoy?

**Draco Malfoy:** It’s called yoga Longbottom

Try it out sometimes

**Seamus Finnigan:** Hmmm, Harry just left the dorm with a dark blush on his face…

**Theodore Nott:** I wonder where he’s heading

**Neville Longbottom:** I wonder where he’s HEADing

**Pansy Parkinson:** Malfoy’s bed for sure

**Neville Longbottom:** Or the slytherin showers

**Theodore Nott:** You mean draco’s shower?

**Ronald Weasley:** The git has his own shower?

**Theodore Nott:** Yes

**Blaise Zabini:** We all do

We’re the richest hogwarts house

**Theodore Nott:** Do you think we share our showers like a bunch of plebeians?

**Neville Longbottom:** Theo did you just call me a plebeian?

**Theodore Nott:** Sorry love

Slytherin side took over for a moment

**Ronald Weasley:** I wish we had private showers

**Blaise Zabini:** Well you’re more than welcome to use mine if you ever feel the need to

**Theodore Nott:** Subtle Blaise, very subtle

**Blaise Zabini:** Knowing Ron even this might go over his head. Being subtle is not an option with him

Not that I mind, bluntness is less trouble

**Hermione Granger:** Ronald is not thick, but he has trouble believing subtle signals of affection because of the way he’s been brought up. He was ignored a lot as a kid since his mum wanted a girl

**Blaise Zabini:** My mum wanted a girl too, but that just meant I wore dresses until I was nine

**Theodore Nott:** If Draco hadn’t saved him he would have worn pig tails in his dreads in first year

**Blaise Zabini:** And I would have totally rocked those so Malfoy didn’t save me from anything

**Ronald Weasley:** Haha I’d love to see that (also Hermione, mind your own business will you?)

**Theodore Nott:** We have photos

**Blaise Zabini:** Fuck

**Pansy Parkinson:** Don’t worry Weasley, I’ll make sure she won’t bother you again tonight

* * *

 

_23:53_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper please.”_

 

**Theodore Nott:** We know the answer now guys, Potter can’t text while riding Draco’s dick

**Harry Potter:** Shove off Theo, he was reading to me

**Draco Malfoy:** Draco why are you on my phone?

**Harry Potter:** It was closest to me

**Blaise Zabini:** I didn’t organize this entire thing just so you guys could spend all night on your phone you know? You were supposed to relax and fall into a nightmare-less sleep together

**Harry Potter:** Fine

**Draco Malfoy:** Good night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual I think this is just a very long pile of crap and not a decent funny fic bc I have a strange sense of humour...  
> But if you think otherwise I'd love to hear it!
> 
> Oh and for clarity, Draco and Harry aren't together yet, they're just very close "friends"
> 
> [also here's the music from the serenade](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYmFSkpCIOw)


	6. This is is an ace safe space

_06:33_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper please.”_

 

**Ronald Weasley:** Guys we must all remember to kiss Malfoy today

**Harry Potter:** What why

**Seamus Finnigan:** Are you out of your mind Ron?

**Ronald Weasley:** No but it's international kiss a skeleton day today

**Draco Malfoy:** WoW rude

**Blaise Zabini:** Or just kind concern, I mean you are awfully skinny

**Draco Malfoy:** Well that's not my fault

**Neville Longbottom:** I guess the "Harry potters dick diet" is maybe a bit too effective

**Harry Potter:** NEVILLE

**Seamus Finnigan:** OMG MY EYES MY EYES

**Hermione Granger:** I am going to ignore what Neville said and ask the more obvious question: why would it not be your fault Malfoy?

**Draco Malfoy:** I have a high metabolism which basically means I can eat whatever I like but I'll stay skinny

**Ronald Weasley:** I wish I had that

**Draco Malfoy:** You don’t. I’m constantly cold, I have no fat reserves so if I happen to be, let's just say, living with an evil psycho in a house were regular meals are not a thing I would be on the verge of passing out 24/7 and so aggressively cold even crucio is a nice warm up

**Ronald Weasley:** I am sorry for bringing that up I had no idea

**Harry Potter:** Need a hug?

**Draco Malfoy:** Yes

**Neville Longbottom:** Harry's on his way. He actually grabbed his broom to fly to you

**Blaise Zabini:** That’s cute. I mean also a bit dangerous, but mostly cute

**Pansy Parkinson:** Give our favorite skeleton a kiss in our name will you?

**Blaise Zabini:** Harry might do that later. Right now he and Draco are just curled up in bed together

**Neville Longbottom:** Well then give our favorite skeleton and his bf a blanket in our name

**Blaise Zabini:** Sure  
They appreciate the blanket, though Harry looked very hot

**Ronald Weasley:** Oi! I thought it was me you were trying to flirt with?

**Blaise Zabini:** And I thought that made you uncomfortable?

**Ronald Weasley:** Well it does sometimes but still.

Just don't

**Blaise Zabini:** Ahhhh, you need a hug too?

**Ronald Weasley:** Yes *pouts*

**Blaise Zabini:** On my way  
Btw I meant Harry looked overheated, not "attractive" or anything like that

**Ronald Weasley:** Fine, you're forgiven   
You still owe me a hug tho

* * *

 

_08:27_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper please.”_

   
**Dean Thomas:** I sleep past eight o'clock _one time_ and suddenly we’re all hugging and kissing each other????

I should sleep in more often

_14:36_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper please.”_

 

**Harry Potter:** Theo got his phone confiscated

**Neville Longbottom:** What did he do?

**Harry Potter:** Showed Mcgonagall a cat video and asked “is this you?”

**Seamus Finnigan:** LEGEND

**Hermione Granger:** Yes, very legend of him to disturb an important lecture mid sentence

**Ronald Weasley:** Are you on your phone during class Hermione?

**Hermione Granger:** Yes

**Ronald Weasley:** Are you possessed? Sick?

**Dean Thomas:** Have you been replaced by a member of the lizard people?

**Hermione Granger:** No, I am distracting myself from Goldstein and Macmillan who are not so subtly discussing if they want to try out a charm that puts pipe curls in your pubic hair

**Seamus Finnigan:** No but Hermione that is a serious question that needs to be discussed

I mean it’s probably ticklish, but it would look very cool

**Neville Longbottom:** And if it also makes it longer, it’s easier to dye

**Theodore Nott:** Why would you want to do that?

 

**_Neville Longbottom_ ** _is typing…_

 

**Hermione Granger:** You shut your facehole or I will make sure you have no body parts to grow pubic hair on anymore Longbottom

**Theodore Nott:** Wow, aggressive

**Hermione Granger:** I need more women in my life. At least they have brains

**Draco Malfoy:** Excuse me, but men have brains too

**Hermione Granger:** Harry Potter just coming out of the shower with his hair still wet, no towel in sight

**Harry Potter:** HERMIONE!

Why the fuck did you do that for?

**Hermione Granger:** To prove a point. Malfoy just broke his quill, asked to go to the bathroom and tripped on his way there

Like I said, men have no brain. Or rather they have one, they just prefer to use their blood flow for something else

**Ronald Weasley:** Gross, Hermione. Now Harry’s gone too

I did not need that mental image

**Hermione Granger:** Sorry Ron, but I had a point to prove

 

**_Neville Longbottom_ ** _added **Ginny Weasley** to the group chat_

 

**_Neville Longbottom_ ** _added **Luna Lovegood** to the group chat_

 

**Neville Longbottom:** Better now Hermione?

**Hermione Granger:** Yes

**Luna Lovegood:** What was wrong with Hermione?

**Neville Longbottom:** Too many dicks

**Ginny Weasley:** I know that problem

 

**_Ronald Weasley_ ** _left the group chat_

_22:39_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper please.”_

 

**_Blaise Zabini_ ** _added **Ronald Weasley** to the group chat_

 

**Blaise Zabini:** Please try not to traumatize Ron this time

**Ginny Weasley:** I am not making any promises

**Theodore Nott:** Hermione why did Pansy just get a notification"sex with Bae"?

**Hermione Granger:** Because we're going to have sex?

**Theodore Nott:** Yeah I got that bit but why do you plan it?

**Blaise Zabini:** I bet she's got a planning Kink

**Hermione Granger:** I do not, its just that women don't come after 2 minutes and then die as opposed to men

**Blaise Zabini:** Wow. Rude

**Pansy Parkinson:** I don't appreciate you stealing my phone Theo  
But lesbian sex can take hours, longest session we had was 114 minutes if you count the massage

**Hermione Granger:** Well I came during the massage so I'd say it counts

**Ronald Weasley:** Tmi guys, tmi

**Pansy Parkinson:** Yeah but Weasley you're ace so that's like... always tmi

**Hermione Granger:** Doesn't mean we shouldn't keep him in mind

**Pansy Parkinson:** Indeed it doesn't. Our apologies Weasley

**Ronald Weasley:** Thank you

**Harry Potter:** What is ace?

**Neville Longbottom:** No desire for sex. Not to be confused with aro, which is no desire for a romantic relationship (which again shouldn't be confused with no desire for affection or love, aro folks are no robots)

**Draco Malfoy:** How do you know that?

**Neville Longbottom:** I spent too much time on Tumblr

**Draco Malfoy:** What's Tumblr?

**Neville Longbottom:** Lets for the sake of everyone just not talk about that

* * *

 

_22:47_

_Private chat between **Ronald Weasley** and **Blaise Zabini**_

 

**Blaise Zabini:** Hey, I didn’t know you were ace

**Ronald Weasley:** Well I am, and if you’ve got a problem with that then you can fuck right off

**Blaise Zabini:** Wow calm down I just went into private chat to tell you I was fine with it

**Ronald Weasley:** Oh

Sorry

**Blaise Zabini:** It’s okay

**Ronald Weasley:** It’s just that I’ve had some bad experiences with people not accepting it in the past

**Blaise Zabini:** You mean Brown?

**Ronald Weasley:** That’s one of them

My mother doesn’t get it much either, and neither does Bill. Charlie and Ginny are cool with it, and Percy and the twins don’t know yet. I’m afraid they’ll make fun of me

The twins that is, not Percy. He wouldn’t be able to make a joke if his life depended on it

Blaise?

**Blaise Zabini:** Sorry, Pansy was talking to me and she was pissed so I didn’t dare check my phone

**Ronald Weasley:** Wuss

**Blaise Zabini:** I’d call it smart and life-saving but okay

**Ronald Weasley:** But anyhow, I’m glad that you’re okay with it

**Blaise Zabini:** Ah, I’m sorry to hear that

**Ronald Weasley:** You’re sorry to hear that I’m glad you’re okay with it?

**Blaise Zabini:** No I meant that your family isn’t okay with it/doesn’t know yet because you’re not comfortable telling them.

My mother and I always talk about everything, since we’re the only constantly present people in each other’s lives

**Ronald Weasley:** Oh yeah that makes more sense.

It sounds nice to have that kind of relationship with a parent

**Blaize Zabini:** Well yes it is. I know I’m incredibly lucky with her. Of course we have our differences, and there’s the whose stepfather business which is rather awful (and also, as I keep telling everyone, not her fault), but I have the most loving, open and accepting mom in the world

**Ronald Weasley:** You are cute when you talk about your mom

**Blaise Zabini:** Shut up

**Ronald Weasley:** Good night Blaise

**Blaise Zabini:** Good night Ron

* * *

 

_23:13_

_Group chat “No sex talk during breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner or supper please.”_

 

**_Blaise Zabini_ ** _changed the chat name to “This is is an ace safe space.”_

 

**Ronald Weasley:** Thanks

**Blaise Zabini:** Go to bed, Weasley

**Luna Lovegood:** Yes Weasley, go to bed

**Ginny Weasley:** I’m already in bed

Wearing an old pair of joggers and an oversized shirt because I’m actually going to sleep, no worries brother dear<3

**Neville Longbottom:** Ron fell asleep

**Ginny Weasley:** Oh

**Luna Lovegood:** Good night everyone! And don’t forget to leave a crack in the curtains so the moonlight can come in, otherwise the nargles will get into bed

**Ginny Weasley:** I wish you would get into bed

**Luna Lovegood:** Okay.

Oh and by the way Gin, you look cute in oversized things

**Ginny Weasley:** Thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that took me long enough! But like I said, I'll update this fic without any form of pattern, so you might get two chapters in a week and then 4 months of nothing sorry. I hope you guys liked the update tho! And I hope I got the ace/aro thing right, since I'm not aro or ace myself.   
> Oh and happy (very late) new year's guys!  
> And thank you for leaving comments on the last chapter, asking if I would update, because I sometimes forget about this fic so poking me will help you get more updates!

**Author's Note:**

> For clarity, faggots are a type of brittish meat balls, i didn't mean it as homophobic or anything (Im a lesbian, that would be weird)  
> Me and my friend group use them as innuendo a lot  
> Leave a comment of you liked it! This was a one afternoon project, but if no one is interested it will stay with one afternoon. It was quite fun to do though, so i would continue if you guys want me to
> 
> credit for the poem goes to Jason Cirkovic
> 
> EDIT: I am continuing this train wreck yay! Thank you all for the sweet comments! (who are still welcome btw, and so are suggestions or improvements, no one's flawless ;-))
> 
> Also I was thinking, should I name the chapters after the name of the Group chat at the start of the chapter or after the first change of name in the chapter?


End file.
